Today would have been our 52nd anniversary, (We missed celebrating our 50th by 6 months - a milestone we both looked forward to.) Neither of us liked having our photos taken, but this one of my husband is my hands-down favorite. The camera caught him just before he laughed. And I miss his laugh.
Losing my husband was the worst experience of my life, but with the support of friends and family and my faith in God, I've come out the other side. And I learned some things in the process and jotted them down. Periodically I pull them out as a reminder, and I'm continuing to learn as time goes by, so it's a work in progress. If you've faced a loss, perhaps it will help you to hear this from someone who's been there and survived.
Here are some
of the things I’ve learned through loss:
·
After the death of a loved one,
emotions can be all over the place – from sorrow to rage to numbness and
everywhere in between. Allow yourself to feel the feelings.
·
In the days immediately following
your loss, avoid looking too far ahead. There are plenty of tasks to take care
of just to get through the first few weeks. Trying to figure out the future can
be overwhelming. The fact is, we can only live one day at a time.
·
“Widow brain” or “widow fog” is
real. After a devastating loss, it is common to find oneself forgetting even
the simplest things. Carry a small notebook and pen with you to jot things down
or use an app on your phone as a memory aid until the fog clears. It gets
better.
·
Create a list of things you need
help with. People often want to help but don’t know what you need. When folks
offer to help, you have a ready source of ideas.
·
Things may seem overwhelming. Keeping
a to-do list – and crossing off tasks as they’re completed – can help you stay
organized. And crossing things off the list can give you a sense of
accomplishment.
·
Don’t second-guess decisions you
made in the past. You can’t change them. You made the best decision you could
with the information you had at the time. Recognize this and treat yourself
with compassion.
·
I learned some surprising things
about forgiveness. I had to forgive God for not answering my prayers the way I
wanted. I had to forgive my spouse. And I had to forgive myself, which required
me to look at some uncomfortable truths about myself.
·
Others may have disappointed you
then… and may disappoint you now. They're facing challenges of their own. Recognize this and treat them with
compassion.
·
Don’t forget to take care of
yourself. Stay hydrated, try to eat healthy, get some fresh air, and keep your
routine medical and dental appointments.
·
Avoid making major changes for a
year after your loss if at all possible.
·
Don’t waste time regretting things
that happened in the past. These are things you cannot change.
·
Don’t waste time “catastrophizing”
about the future. Doing the best you can with today’s challenges is often the
best way to prepare for the days to come.
·
As overwhelming as this loss feels
today, in the weeks and months ahead you will learn things about yourself, the
world, and those around you that you did not know before. Treasure these
lessons as the fruit of your grief.
·
Consider journaling. It can help
you clarify your thoughts.
·
Don’t narrow your focus solely to
what you’ve lost. Remember also what you had together, and what you still have
to be grateful for. Start a gratitude list; write down 3 things (big or small)
that you have to be thankful for each day.
·
Often people who haven’t
experienced grief are unable to understand, but find someone you can talk to honestly.
·
Friendships with others may change
after you’re no longer part of a couple, and this, too, must be mourned. But
don’t let this poison your ability to make friends of others. If old
friendships wither away, find new ones.
·
Don’t let disappointment cause you
to become bitter; let it help you to become more compassionate.
·
Many people find that
participating in a grief support group or speaking to a counselor or spiritual
advisor is extremely helpful.
·
Rather than blaming God for your
loss, ask him to help you find something positive and meaningful to draw from
it. Once you’ve found it, use it to benefit yourself and others.
·
Be patient with yourself in early
grief, but if the rollercoaster persists or you get “stuck” in an emotion,
consider seeking help.
·
There is no way around grief; the
only way out of grief is to go through it.
·
Do things when you’re ready, and trust
yourself to know when the time is right.
·
We all grieve differently. There is no
perfect path to healing from loss.
· At some point, you will smile or laugh or have an enjoyable experience. Don’t apologize for having a good moment, or even a good day. This is something to celebrate.
· Even after you are on the road to recovery, you will most likely experience “ambushes” or “flashbacks”, when something – a song, a memory, an anniversary – triggers a wave of emotion. Ride it out. They get less overwhelming and less frequent with time.
·
If you anticipate that a birthday,
anniversary, or holiday may be challenging, make a plan. This may be a great
time to get together with friends, to do something creative, to head to your
“happy place”, to take a class, or to volunteer for something that has special
meaning to you or your loved one.
·
One of the best ways to brighten
your day is to do something kind for others. Walk across the street and visit
the lonely old lady who lives there. Compliment the harried cashier at the
grocery store. Make a batch of cookies and take them to the police department.
Offer to cuddle a young mother’s baby for an hour so she can take a nap or go
for a walk.
·
As time goes by, you may find that
some of the things you did together aren’t as much fun without your loved one.
You may even find new interests, and doing so is not a betrayal of the love you
shared together.
· Grieve what you've lost, but allow yourself to move forward when the time is appropriate. We only get one life. It's ok to eventually be happy again. It's impossible to honor the life of a loved one by refusing to live.
·
And although it may sound strange,
I found that my relationship with my husband has continued to evolve in the
years since his death. There were things I had to forgive him for. There were
things I had to forgive me for. And with those things out of the
way, I find my love for him has grown and changed.